4 Steps to Compromise When You're Stuck
Originally Published on 05/30/2024 on my Psychology Today Blog, Healthy Communication in Hard Relationships
Compromise is hard. But it is possible to find solutions that work for both people in many situations. When people come to me struggling to find a compromise, the most common problem I see is that they are looking for logistic solutions to an emotional problem.
Often times when we are looking to find a solution to a problem, we can get stuck and struggle to find a solution to the situation. Person A has a potential solution to the problem that would work for them, and Person B has a solution that would work for them, but neither person is willing to accept the solution of their partner. When we have conversations in these moments, they usually look like talking through all of the logistics of the solution and trying to convince the other person why our answer is the best option. We might make statements like “Moving to this neighborhood is best because the school districts are rated higher” or “It makes sense to spend Christmas with my family this year because we spent Christmas with yours last year.”
These conversations make us feel like we are in a fight with our partner and tend to lead to situations where we get stuck, unable to find a path forward.
How to Get Unstuck
Step 1 – Remember that it's us vs. the problem: When we get stuck trying to find a solution, it is easy to forget that we are on the same team and trying to work towards a solution together. When you find yourself stuck and, in a disagreement, it is helpful to take a step back and reset an intention for your conversation.
Intentions such as “we want to work together to find a solution that feels good for us both” can help to remind our brains that the goal is not just to win the argument but to find an effective compromise.
Step 2 – Identify your needs: Instead of focusing first on finding a solution, take a step back and identify what you need from the solution to feel okay with the compromise.
In the school district example, maybe you need to feel confident that your kids are attending a high-quality school because education is an important value of yours. Or in the holiday example, maybe you need to be sure to see your family for part of the holiday because you missed seeing them the prior year.
In this step, try not to focus on how to fulfill the needs, just on identifying the needs that you have. Most need-based problems have a lot of possible solutions, and the logistics come later. After you and your partner have both identified your needs, take turns sharing them with one another. It can be helpful to be curious during this step. Asking questions to better understand your partner's needs, such as “What about this school district feels the most important to you” or “What does a good school mean to you” or “Is there a certain part of the holiday that you want to see your family” or “Which family members are most important for you to see” can help to expand the conversation and understanding of needs.
For complex situations, you may also want to break down your needs into categories. First, you can have your “non-negotiables” or things that absolutely have to exist to feel okay with a situation. Second, you have your “negotiables” or things that you would like to have in the compromise but have some flexibility about. And last you have your “cherry on top” or things that you would have in an ideal situation but could let go.
For example, in the school district example a non-negotiable could be feeling like the school district is safe and provides a quality education. A negotiable might be that you would like the school to take some fun, educational, and exciting field trips each year but could be open to what the trips could look like or agree to add this outside of school. And a cherry on top might be having it be the same school as your children’s cousins attend for carpooling ease, but you could live without this.
Step 3 – Brainstorm: Now that you have identified the needs that need to be fulfilled for a solution to work for you both, you can work together to create a list of potential solutions that would meet both needs. I recommend creating a list of at least 10 potential solutions, as this helps our brains to start getting creative and thinking outside of the box.
In this step, it is important not just to look for solutions that meet your needs but also for solutions that meet your partner's needs as well. Often the best compromises meet the non-negotiables of each partner, as many of the negotiables as possible, and the cherry on tops as a bonus.
Step 4 – Pick a solution to try: Now that you have a list of solutions, you and your partner can pick one to try. Remember, this does not have to be the permanent solution but just one that seems like a good option to try.
As you implement this compromise, take some time to reflect on whether your needs are being met by the solution. If both of your needs are met, then it works! If not, you may need to work together to modify this solution or pick another until you find an option that feels acceptable to you both.
