5 New Year’s Resolutions for Your Relationship
Originally Published on 12/29/2024 on my Psychology Today Blog, Healthy Communication in Hard Relationships
As we reach the end of the year, many of us turn to setting resolutions for the upcoming year. If you want to focus on investing in or improving your relationship in the next year, here are five easy-to-implement resolutions that can make a significant difference:
Listen with the intent to understand. Often when we listen, particularly if we have just had a fight or are in a disagreement, we listen to respond: Our brain is half listening to what our partner is saying and half coming up with a way to prove them wrong, make a point, or present our side more effectively. This tends to make our partner feel unheard and escalate conflict. Try instead to really listen to what your partner is saying. Before responding with your own opinion or counterpoint, clarify with your partner what you heard to make sure that you really understood. This might sound like saying, “Okay, just making sure I am hearing you right, but you were not mad because I showed up late but because I didn’t text you to let you know that I was running late. Is that right” or, “I’m hearing that it is important to you to have a big backyard in our new house because you always dreamed of being able to have friends and hosting backyard parties. Is that right or am I not understanding?” Or it might look like asking additional questions, to make sure you really understand your partner’s perspective before moving on. This shows an active intent to understand your partner, to find a way to meet in the middle and compromise, and to help slow down a conflict before it escalates.
Invest in your hellos and goodbyes. Hellos and goodbyes are excellent opportunities to foster connection. They are times that often get skipped over but lack of connection in these moments can lead to more distance between two people over time. Try thinking of ways to say hello and goodbye to your partner that would be meaningful to each of you. This doesn’t have to be something big; any little routine can help you stay connected as you move throughout the day. Perhaps you make sure to always give each other a hug and say "I love you." Or you could create a way to say hello/goodbye that's unique to the two of you. Investing in these moments of connection that happen every day can build security in a relationship and create a shift toward intentionally noticing one another. It is a small step that can make a big difference.
Start a weekly relationship check-in. Relationships require maintenance as they naturally go through highs and lows. Having a weekly check-in provides an opportunity to talk with each other about how you are each doing and how your relationship is doing. It gives space to address small issues before they get bigger and to intentionally appreciate each other. For this resolution, plan a time with your partner when you can meet each week and talk for about 30 minutes. I like to have one question that focuses on a positive in your relationship, one that shares how you could love or support your partner during the next week, a temperature check of the relationship overall, and a question that allows you to talk about anything else that might be on your mind.
Establish a ritual of connection. Strong relationships are built on the little moments spent together. Having a regular ritual of connection helps your brain know that you will have space to connect each week and to have something special that is just for the two of you. These regular activities can become low-key traditions allowing couples to build shared meaning in their relationship. For this resolution, take some time to think of what you and your partner might enjoy and try to implement it together on a regular basis. Some ideas for rituals of connections could be a regular date night, having a pizza or take-out night once a week, watching a favorite show together, eating dinner together without screens, taking up a new activity or class together, investing in a future goal (like training for a 5K run or mutually investing in a savings plan for a dream vacation), getting a coffee together once a week, or anything that brings the two of you closer together on a regular basis.
Express love and appreciation regularly. Though you love your partner, you may not always do your best at verbally expressing or showing it But saying that we love and appreciate our partner instead of only thinking about it can have a big impact. Try to share with your partner something that you specifically loved or appreciated about them 2 or 3 times a week. Some examples might be saying, “When you made me a cup of tea when I wasn’t feeling well earlier this week, I felt really cared for and I wanted to be sure to say thank you," or, "When you were playing with our kids earlier today, I felt so much love for you. I’m glad we are parenting together," or, "You did such a great job on your work presentation this week. I am so proud of how hard you work."
Which idea do you want to try this year? Whatever you decide, there is never a bad time to invest in your relationship, so why not start today? You never know the impact it might have, on both you and your partner.
