12 Ways to Show a Grieving Person That You Care
Originally Published on 12/12/2024 on my Psychology Today Blog, Healthy Communication in Hard Relationships
It is the season of countdowns and lists with 12-days-'til-Christmas activities, advent calendars, holiday gifting guides, and even the classic list of who was naughty or nice.
It is also a season when many people are struggling. The holiday season is one of many paradoxes—a time of joy and connection, and a time when grief and loss are often more intense.
I often hear from people who know that a loved one is struggling with grief or going through a hard time and really want to help, but they just don’t know what to do to show support. Much too often, not knowing what to do leads to doing nothing, which can sometimes be the most hurtful action of all. So, in the spirit of the countdowns and lists, here are 12 ways that you can show up for a loved one who is struggling this season (or any time of the year).
Write a handwritten card. There is something special about getting a snail mail card. You could send a holiday card, a sympathy card, or any greeting card to provide a tangible and out-of-the-normal way to show you care. You might include a note saying that you are thinking of your loved one or even share your appreciation for them or what you love about them.
Make a meal. Often when people are struggling, it can be a big effort to cook a meal. Make a favorite recipe for your loved one and drop it at their house so that they don’t have to worry about cooking. You could drop it on the porch and send a text to let them know if they are not up for visitors or combine it with a quick visit to say hello.
Create a care package (or buy a premade one). Who doesn’t love receiving a present? You could pack a box of your loved one’s favorite items, items that have brought you comfort in the past, or something that you would think makes them smile. Feeling stuck? There are also lots of pre-made care packages online that you can choose to send.
Do a chore. Chores are one of the first things that do not get done when people are in crisis. Think of a chore that you don’t mind doing—maybe you enjoy folding laundry, love taking the dog for a walk, or are a master at cleaning bathrooms. Think of something you would be willing to do and offer to take over this chore for your loved one. It could be a one-time thing or something you offer to do on a more regular basis throughout the stressful period.
Educate yourself. It is OK not to know what your loved one is going through, but that does not make it your loved one’s job to educate you. Perhaps they just got a new diagnosis, and you have lots of questions that they do not feel up to answering, so you might take some time to Google your questions. Or maybe you order a book on understanding grief if it is not something you have experienced. Taking time to try to learn about what your friend is going through can help you to better understand what they might need and to ask questions that can show you took effort to try to learn.
Send the invite (and be OK if the answer is no). Often when people are grieving, there is an assumption that they may not want to attend events. And often this is true. But what can be hurtful is to not be invited to the events due to this assumption as it can have the impact of making your loved one feel like their grief is not welcome. So, offer the invite to your event, to get coffee together, or to go see a movie. And be OK if they choose not to attend, trusting that the invite still was meaningful.
Meet them where they are at. People can have many different types of needs when going through a hard time. Some people want to stay at home, and others want to go out. Some want to talk about what is happening, and others need a distraction. Ask your loved one what it is that they need and meet them in that place. It is OK if you would need something different if they were in your shoes. And they will feel most supported if you can show up in the way that they need.
Run an errand. Running errands can take a lot of time and energy—something people in crisis or grief don’t have a lot of. You could offer to run an errand for your loved one. Pick up a load of groceries, offer to start a carpool to take their kids to school, or see what else needs to be done. Checking a to-do off their list can help them have one less thing that they need to worry about.
Listen. Every situation and grief experience is unique. Even if you have been in a similar situation or have known grief or hard times before, you do not know exactly what your loved one is experiencing. The best way to know what they are going through is to listen to them. When you actively listen, try to be curious, ask questions to better understand their emotions, and avoid telling a story of your own (even if it is to try to relate).
Check in. Send a text or a voice message saying you are thinking of them. It is nice to know that you are on someone’s mind, and it can help grief feel less isolating to know that others are thinking about you. It might be easy to assume that your loved one knows that you are thinking of them, but taking the few minutes to send the message makes it so there is no doubt that they are on your mind.
Show curiosity. Ask your friend what they have been feeling, what they need, and how they are holding up. Being curious about your loved one’s experience and not assuming you know what they need is a great way to help you know what your loved one needs and to help them feel seen and understood.
Offer continued support. Grief doesn’t go away overnight, but we often have a timeline in our minds about when someone should start feeling better. Listen to your loved one to know when they are struggling and understand that this often will come and go in waves. Be willing to show up for them not just when the crisis or loss first occurs but for the months (or years) that follow. Give them space to sometimes still feel the loss, to need to talk about it, or to have a bad day. And give them space to have good days as well.
