Managing Expectations
Originally Published on 12/01/2023 on my Psychology Today Blog, Healthy Communication in Hard Relationships
Expectations are a part of relationships. We all have things that we need to feel loved, supported, safe, and known in our relationships. And our expectations for relationships are shaped by many factors – how we grew up and what we learned about relationships, our own relational experiences, and our personal needs and circumstances. In relationships, expectations are essential and missed expectations are often an area of conflict in relationships. When our partner does not meet our expectations, it can be easy to fill in the story of “well he doesn’t really love me then” or “if she loved me then she would know what I needed”. These stories can exacerbate the pain of not having our needs met in relationships.
When I work with couples in couples therapy, expectations being missed is often one of the topics that come up as a source of conflict. However, often the situation exists where the person who did not meet an expectation did not actually know there was an expectation or did not know that they were not meeting the expectation. This ultimately causes hurt on both sides – with one partner feeling hurt because their need or want was not met and the other partner feeling like they had missed a mark that they did not even know was there.
That is why I often explore the three rules of healthy expectations with couples. If you apply each of these rules to your own expectations in your relationships, and the expectations still get missed, it is completely fair to be upset with your partner. However, if these three ground rules do not exist, then you are at least partly responsible for not having your expectations met. Following these three rules set relationships up for success – by allowing you and your partner to know one another’s expectations and to have a plan in place for how those expectations can be met.
Rule #1: Expectations must be known.
Sometimes we all have expectations that we just assume will happen, and maybe just have happened in the past, and therefore we do not even realize that they are a need or want that we have. For example, maybe you come from a family that always hugs good-bye and so you expect that is how your partner will say goodbye to you. However, you never considered that some families do not hug to say goodbye and so it might have been known to you that this is an expectation that you have and that is important to you.
Rule #2: Expectations have to be communicated.
Unless you or your loved ones have the secret superpower to be able to read minds, it is not fair for you to expect that other people in your life will be able to anticipate your expectations. Everyone has different things that they need to feel safe, secure, and loved in relationships and that is okay. By taking the time to share with your partner what you need from them in your relationship, you are giving them the roadmap for you to love you the most effectively, setting your partner, your relationship, and you up for success.
Rule #3: Expectations need to be negotiated.
Just because we have a need or expectation does not mean that our partner must meet it exactly the way that we pictured it. For example, maybe you have an expectation that your partner will want to hold your hand in public. However, your partner tends to get sweaty palms and holding hands makes them feel uncomfortable. In this situation, requiring your partner to hold your hand probably will not actually meet your need because your partner will be unhappy with the situation, thus not meeting your need of them wanting to hold you hand, and they will feel uncomfortable in meeting expectations that do not fit for them.
In these situations, it is helpful to try to identify the need underneath the expectation and the need for why the initial solution might not work. Maybe holding hands is a way to know that your partner is proud to be with you and wants the world to know you are together. Or maybe it is grounding to you and helps you to feel less stressed out in busy environments. By identifying these underlying needs, you can work together for your partner to find a way that honors the needs of both people. It might be that you find a way to have physical contact when walking together in public, like linking arms, which allows both the need of being acknowledged and connected in public and the need of not being uncomfortable with sweaty hands to exist.
