What Football Can Teach Us About Healthy Communication
Originally Published on 10/18/2023 on my Psychology Today Blog, Healthy Communication in Hard Relationships
Football season is in full swing and with it comes all the fun of one of America’s favorite pastimes. From touchdowns to party snacks to cheering your favorite team to the playoffs, football has long been a part of American culture. But did you know that it can teach you lessons about how to effectively communicate during conflict?
Research by John Gottman and the Gottman Institute demonstrate that being able to take effective breaks during conflict is an essential part of effective communication. When conflicts start to go awry and you find yourself unable to listen, stewing in negative thoughts towards your partner, feeling overwhelmed to the point you know you are going to say something you regret, or you are at risk of shutting down, taking a break from the conversation to allow your brain and body to calm down, can help create a more positive discussion with your partner.
When I work with couples in couples therapy, one of the things I hear most often is that they have tried to implement taking a break, but it just doesn’t work. Either one person wants a break and the other doesn’t, they don’t re-engage after taking a break, or they say they need a break, but it just doesn’t happen.
That is where football can teach us a lesson. Football time outs follow all the rules that are necessary to implement an effective time out, or as I like to call them, the four rules of fair play for time outs.
Rule #1: Either team gets to call a time out and both teams must respect it. But you also must choose your time outs wisely.
In football, either team can call a time out when they determine it is right for them and the other team does not get to choose to ignore that time out. Whenever the time out is called, even if not ideal or preferred for the other team, both teams respect the right for either team to call the time out. At the same time, each team gets only three time outs per half. This means that no team gets to disengage from the game by calling time outs or use time outs to avoid the game, even if the game is not going their way. The teams must know themselves well enough to choose when to use a time out so that it will be the most useful to them.
The same rules apply to time outs in relationship conflict. Whenever either partner calls a time out, it is important that both partners respect that a time out has been called. It means not trying to get in a last word, ignoring that a time out was asked for, or just saying one more thing. If a time out is called, both partners disengage from the discussion and take a break. It also means that each person needs to use time outs when they need it and not use a time out to avoid the discussion, dismiss their partner bringing up their needs, or otherwise disengage. Time outs are to be used when you start to feel that you are getting overwhelmed to the point where your nervous system is activated, and you know that you cannot engage in conflict in a constructive manner.
Rule #2: Time outs have a time limit, and everyone knows and agrees to it.
In football, there is a set time limit for how long a time out is allowed. Everyone involved, the coaches, the players, even the fans, know how long the timeout will be and have agreed to that time limit. Time outs cannot go on forever or be used to end the game. At some point, the teams must re-engage with one another to finish the game.
In the same way, couples need to establish a time expectation for time outs. Typically, 15-20 minutes provides enough time to allow our bodies to regulate to be able to re-engage with our partners in a non-escalated manner. By agreeing on how long a time-out will last, two things happen. First, the partner who felt they needed the break, knows that they will be able to have that time to take care of themselves and to calm down. They don’t have to worry about re-engaging before they are ready or not being allowed to have the space that they need to regulate.
Rule #3: Time outs let you care for your body and re-set your game plan.
Two things happen in time outs. First, players are given a chance to take care of their bodies. Water bottles are provided to make sure the players are hydrated, and they have a moment to catch their breath or clear their heads. Second, they meet as a team and with their coaches to determine their plan for how to re-engage in the game in a way that is the most effective, even if that means changing from their original plan.
Effective time outs from conflict follow the same format. First, you take care of your body. When our stress systems are activated, our prefrontal cortex (the part of our brain responsible for logic and rational thought) is not fully engaged. This leads us to have a more difficult time engaging in effective communication than we would have when our nervous systems are regulated. Therefore, we must take the first part of our time out to take care of our physical needs and remind our bodies that we are safe and can be calm. This might look like taking some deep breaths, going for a walk, getting a snack, or taking a shower. Find something that you can do that will help your body know that it is safe, that helps your heart rate return to normal, and allows you to feel calm.
After you take care of your body, you get to focus on your game plan. Instead of re-engaging in the conversation with your partner with the same strategy, especially if that was leading to escalation or lack of understanding, taking time to plan for how you want to re-engage can make returning to the conversation more effective. Some questions that might be helpful to reflect on are: 1) What is my goal for the conversation? 2) What am I feeling? What am I needing to communicate? 3) What have I heard that my partner is feeling? What does my partner need me to hear? Answering these questions can help your brain to focus on what you and your partner need from the conversation which can allow you to reset the stage for a more effective conversation.
Rule #4: Time outs are part of the game. There is no shame in taking a time out.
In football, time outs are a normal part of the game. It is expected that teams will take a time out. Teams are not judged or viewed as less because they chose to use their time outs. This is the same in relationships. Taking a break when you need should be a normal part of healthy communication. Conflict can be dysregulating and sometimes we make mistakes in how we communicate. Being able to pause, reset, and re-engage is healthy and there does not need to be shame for taking a time out.
These four guidelines allow for time outs to be effective in football and they will help times outs to be more effective in your relationship. If you find time outs to be challenging in your relationships, it might be helpful to talk through these guidelines with your partner to create your own game plan for time outs moving forward. A couple’s therapist can also help to guide you in implementing these rules into your communication patterns in a sustainable and effective way.
